I don't know wtf I'm doing, but I’ma do it anyway

TL;DR: Honestly Compulsive is evolving into a space where I document my creative journey and what it looks like to pursue something before I feel qualified and before I know how it ends.

For the past 4 or 5 years, I’ve thought about making a documentary nearly every day. I’m not even exaggerating. The idea followed me everywhere: while I washed dishes, did my skincare routine, walked to a coffee shop, or did practically anything else. I could not shake it.

​Funny thing is, I work in tech. I know how to make service blueprints, run design sprints, etc. I do not know how to make a documentary. In school, I chose STEM over film (lowkey didn’t have a choice). And the most brutal confession of all: I have never held a professional camera before.”

By every measurable, objective standard, I am not the right person for this.

For years, I really chose to believe that. It was easier that way, if I’m being honest. It was easier to avoid failure, even if it meant never fulfilling a desire. I talked myself out of it by listing everything that could go wrong. I focused on what I didn’t know, who I didn’t know, what I lacked, and the fear that it could all end up being an embarrassing waste of time.

I never considered what could go right. I just kept it as a “wouldn’t that be cool” and kept moving through my corporate life.

However, my compulsion won out once again, and I reached the point where my desire outweighed my fear.

At some point, I stopped asking, “Why bother if it doesn’t work out?” and started asking, “Why does it have to work out for me to bother?”

Because the more I sat with it, the more I realized this was never really about everything “working out.” I don’t even fully know what that looks like. Is it finishing the documentary? Is it making something I’m proud of? Shit, I really don’t know.

But what I do know is that once I detached from the outcome (shoutout to my therapist for this mindset!), I realized I didn’t really have a good reason not to try. Because it’s about trying to tell a story I know needs to be told, and I’d love to try.

Right now, I’m still at the beginning, learning, exploring, overthinking, realizing how much I still don’t know, and figuring it out as I go.

But I want to document the journey because when I went looking for this kind of thing, I couldn’t find it. I wanted someone at the start. I was looking for the actual experience. The learnings. What building craft looks like. What pursuing passion despite fear really looks like, and all the stumbles, wrong turns, epiphanies, and joys that come with it.

And most importantly, what it’s actually like to pursue desires before signs of success exist, if ever. So that’s what this is now.

I’m looking forward to Substack-ing (it’s a word to me, idc) about the messiness of “just doing it” and everything that comes with that: fear, doubt, the infamous buzzword imposter syndrome.

I’ll also be sharing field notes, deep dives, and thoughts on documentaries, literature, and other media that have fed me. What I’m noticing. What I’m taking away. How these things fold into my thinking, my process, and what I’m learning as I try to level up my own documentary.

Doing this also keeps me accountable to myself. Shame really works on me (My parents did their BIGGEST one with this). And honestly, I think shame, or even the fear of it, is part of why we don’t really see people trying before they know how the story ends. Trying can feel embarrassing. And trying without a guaranteed outcome can feel humiliating.

But that’s where I am.

I’m scared, but I’ll do it anyway.

Till next time.

P.S. I know I’m not the only one who has done the thing while scared. If you have, I’d love to know what your thing was and how it went or how it’s going. Are you glad you tried anyway?